My life... NOW! :-)

Two months ago, I was on a crossroad. I had to make a decision that would affect a number of things in my life. In my 31 years in this world, this is one of the pain staking decisions I had to make.

When I realized that I was not happy and that means, I will make the people around me miserable, I had to do something to re-align my life. I had to find a deeper meaning and reason in everything that I am doing.

Now, two months have passed and admittedly, I still have not found the deeper meaning I am looking. I still am trying to find my passion in life but I have come to accept that its ok not to know... It's fine to be in this situation... for "Now". In this present moment, life is teaching me something and I have to be open to. I'm trying not to fight it. I really am. It's not easy but I feel I'm learning a lot of things at this moment.

I am an eager beaver. When I want something, I want it now. That works well for some parts of my life but not always. If I ask God that I want to find a deeper meaning in what I do, I don't think He will give it to me as soon as I close my eyes and go into prayer. I accept it more than ever that this is a journey I have to take.

I'm so blessed to have this time to be by myself and enjoy the free time. I have a hard time just staying put and not planning my activities but now, I am learning to be in the "Now". When I am at home and just reading a book, I enjoy it. When I am just sitting down and watching tv, I feel the breeze or the surroundings that I have and i love it. Everyday is a different experience, not the type that I am accustomed to but I need to accept this, before I move on the next chapter of my life. I have to go through it with acceptance and the openness to learn.

People who know me would wonder why I have not lined up my days one activity, class or event after the other. That's who I am. I don't like idleness but being alone and spending time with my family is enough for me for now. I will have time again for all of those but now I am happy spending time alone and in my parents' house.

This free time is not forever! I will miss these times very much when I start working again but I think God knew what I needed at this time in my life and He gave it to me... the purpose, passion and meaning will come as long as I have once again regain and reminded of who I am inside.