I'm in the middle of reading this book called "The Curse of Singles Table". The book is very amusing and interesting. It is a true story of a jewish girl who has been without sex for 1000 ++ days and looking for love everywhere (from Kenya to Russia to www.match.com). The story is both amusing and real especially for a single woman like me. I haven't finished the book yet but it seems that the story's conclusion is her realization that she does not need a man to be happy.

Being the modern pinay that I would like to believe myself to be, I don't want to anchor my happiness to a man. I want to be free, indpendent and adventurous. But what does it mean when the single self start to realize and once again accept that love is beautiful and that relationships, as long as it is nurturing, will not suppress you of freedom and independence?

I heard on the radio this morning that the most jaded and most cynical person on relationships are the ones who were once hopeless romantics. I cannot agree more.... I think I am one of those people who have been disillusioned by love and relationships that do not work out. I have been completely inlove twice. The colors have never been more colorful. The birds humming can never be sweeter. The flowers can not be prettier. Life can never be more beautiful.

And then it happens, he goes back to his ex-fiancee or he dumps you to go off with a married woman. Self-esteem down the drain, I tried to analyze why things happened the way they did. I tried to look at myself and compare myself with these woman. Of course, there is the classic blaming myself for what happened. I realized when low self esteem hits, it does not matter what other people say, you know how to put yourself down... and in a big way. All the bad things I sawin myself was magnified because I felt that those are the reason they left me.

Then, its time to feel loved because I can't love myself. I tried to look for love everywhere too. I felt that that's the biggest way I can regain my self esteem. I tried to check out every guy I meet and see if they can be potential boyfriends. Of course, that actually cuts down the number of men you can really be friends with since they have become or have been eliminated as "boyfriend material". Believe me, I have been to parties, clubs (both for straight and gays), social functions and every kind of sports and events.... he never showed up!

When it happens once, getting over it is difficult but accepting it is part of life is easy. When it happens to twice, then, you start to believe that there is something majorly wrong with me.

I pulled myself together by making myself as busy and as interesting as I can be. My time cannot be free to think or feel. I have to make sure that I am busy all the time. I healed myself by reading books, meditating and focusing on what I have rather than what I have lost. I realized that I am a good person, I don't look bad at all and I have something very beautiful to offer other people. Self-esteem regained not by having another relationship but by learning how to love myself and take care of myself.

I made a firm stand that i will not enter into relationships that I know will be for my detriment. I will only be in loving and nurturing relationships. If that's not going to happen, I will just be sinlge all my life.

I have been praying for this and it seems that God has been telling me that I really am not meant to be single all my life. The deepest desires of my heart has said that I will find the man that God has planned for me... but I have to be patient.... OH WOW! WAITING?!?! I was never good at that. But, what can I do? hehehe!

When did I cross the great divide of wanting to be single all my life to... I will wait for the right guy to come? I'm not sure. I think it came as a result of my prayer. BELIEVING that the Lord is working on me and one day His plans will be revealed slowly and effortlessly.

Just like what the book, Curse of the Singles Table said. I don't need to go to the ends of the earth to find my man. As long as I am comfortable and contented by myself, I will be happy... with our without a man. :-)