Two months ago, I was on a crossroad. I had to make a decision that would affect a number of things in my life. In my 31 years in this world, this is one of the pain staking decisions I had to make.
When I realized that I was not happy and that means, I will make the people around me miserable, I had to do something to re-align my life. I had to find a deeper meaning and reason in everything that I am doing.
Now, two months have passed and admittedly, I still have not found the deeper meaning I am looking. I still am trying to find my passion in life but I have come to accept that its ok not to know... It's fine to be in this situation... for "Now". In this present moment, life is teaching me something and I have to be open to. I'm trying not to fight it. I really am. It's not easy but I feel I'm learning a lot of things at this moment.
I am an eager beaver. When I want something, I want it now. That works well for some parts of my life but not always. If I ask God that I want to find a deeper meaning in what I do, I don't think He will give it to me as soon as I close my eyes and go into prayer. I accept it more than ever that this is a journey I have to take.
I'm so blessed to have this time to be by myself and enjoy the free time. I have a hard time just staying put and not planning my activities but now, I am learning to be in the "Now". When I am at home and just reading a book, I enjoy it. When I am just sitting down and watching tv, I feel the breeze or the surroundings that I have and i love it. Everyday is a different experience, not the type that I am accustomed to but I need to accept this, before I move on the next chapter of my life. I have to go through it with acceptance and the openness to learn.
People who know me would wonder why I have not lined up my days one activity, class or event after the other. That's who I am. I don't like idleness but being alone and spending time with my family is enough for me for now. I will have time again for all of those but now I am happy spending time alone and in my parents' house.
This free time is not forever! I will miss these times very much when I start working again but I think God knew what I needed at this time in my life and He gave it to me... the purpose, passion and meaning will come as long as I have once again regain and reminded of who I am inside.
Showing posts with label Balanced life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Balanced life. Show all posts
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Thursday, December 14, 2006
From the Stillness of the Soul
When the sun is setting, it's light reflects on the surface of the water. The sky turns into a subdued orange with the clouds adding texture to an already magnificent canopy. I feel a serenity in my soul. It calms me. It brings balance into my life.
Balance. It's been a long time since that word struck a cord in me. Since I celebrated my 30th birthday, this word has sprung up every now and then.
As I read the word in an article on the day of my birthay, what entered my mind is that I need to start having a balanced diet and hit the gym. I felt a need to take care of my health and part of a more balance diet and excercise regimen, I lessened my smoking to the barest minimum. Thus, I am now on a healthier diet and excercises more than sitting in a coffee shop. I thought, ok... I now have a balanced life.
Little did I know that it's just the beginning. Moving out of my parents' house and living on my own, I have lesser time spent with my family than I had before. Suddenly, I found myself going back home on weekends and terribly missing the times I would sit on the breakfast table and have everyone yakking about what happened to them the night before. Time and again, I have said how important family is to me and yet I spend more time with my friends. I look forward to quality family time with my parents and my siblings now. I'm excited to see them and hear their stories. I try to spend weekends in my parents house just so I can have breakfast with them and hear the annoying high pitched and loud voices every now and then. :-)
I often equated who I am with my career accomplishments. I have worked my ass off since I started working that I am proud of what I have made of my self. Nothing wrong with that as long as it is in moderation. I have noticed though that I put a lot of my self worth with what I have achieved. To the point that I feel worthless when things are not doing well at work. I thought that how people perceive my work is how I should see myself too. I guess at a certain point, I have to accept that things go wrong even if I do my darned best. I will love myself not because of how high up in my career i have reached but because of the kind of person I have become.
From trips to my hobbies to the partying... I'm not one to settle for the mediocre. It has to be grand or extremely different for me to see the joy in it. As I see it, as long as people are amazed at it, then it makes me happy and shows what kind of person I am. Not that I have completely missed the simple things in life. I still enjoy them, but there should be something different all the time to keep it more interesting. It always has to be something new. I get shaken to the core when there are no new things happening in my life. It feels like I live a very uneventful life. Up til these past few days, I have been jolted by the fact that there are times when things can't be grand, when I have to see the beauty in the simple things, extract the beauty out of the routine, enjoy the ordinary. I will still want my grandeur and newness in things but I also need to see the happiness in simplicity without being boring.
Balanced life. As I watch the sunset and the sky becomes dark, I welcome the night time. Finding the excitement in the stillness and peace of the dark. Armed with the realization that I have a wonderful life, blessed by God, there's peace in my life as I listen to the stillness of my soul.
Balance. It's been a long time since that word struck a cord in me. Since I celebrated my 30th birthday, this word has sprung up every now and then.
As I read the word in an article on the day of my birthay, what entered my mind is that I need to start having a balanced diet and hit the gym. I felt a need to take care of my health and part of a more balance diet and excercise regimen, I lessened my smoking to the barest minimum. Thus, I am now on a healthier diet and excercises more than sitting in a coffee shop. I thought, ok... I now have a balanced life.
Little did I know that it's just the beginning. Moving out of my parents' house and living on my own, I have lesser time spent with my family than I had before. Suddenly, I found myself going back home on weekends and terribly missing the times I would sit on the breakfast table and have everyone yakking about what happened to them the night before. Time and again, I have said how important family is to me and yet I spend more time with my friends. I look forward to quality family time with my parents and my siblings now. I'm excited to see them and hear their stories. I try to spend weekends in my parents house just so I can have breakfast with them and hear the annoying high pitched and loud voices every now and then. :-)
I often equated who I am with my career accomplishments. I have worked my ass off since I started working that I am proud of what I have made of my self. Nothing wrong with that as long as it is in moderation. I have noticed though that I put a lot of my self worth with what I have achieved. To the point that I feel worthless when things are not doing well at work. I thought that how people perceive my work is how I should see myself too. I guess at a certain point, I have to accept that things go wrong even if I do my darned best. I will love myself not because of how high up in my career i have reached but because of the kind of person I have become.
From trips to my hobbies to the partying... I'm not one to settle for the mediocre. It has to be grand or extremely different for me to see the joy in it. As I see it, as long as people are amazed at it, then it makes me happy and shows what kind of person I am. Not that I have completely missed the simple things in life. I still enjoy them, but there should be something different all the time to keep it more interesting. It always has to be something new. I get shaken to the core when there are no new things happening in my life. It feels like I live a very uneventful life. Up til these past few days, I have been jolted by the fact that there are times when things can't be grand, when I have to see the beauty in the simple things, extract the beauty out of the routine, enjoy the ordinary. I will still want my grandeur and newness in things but I also need to see the happiness in simplicity without being boring.
Balanced life. As I watch the sunset and the sky becomes dark, I welcome the night time. Finding the excitement in the stillness and peace of the dark. Armed with the realization that I have a wonderful life, blessed by God, there's peace in my life as I listen to the stillness of my soul.
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