And Reality Steps In

I'm feeling a bit weird today. I can't put a finger on it but I guess its going back to reality after a wonderful vacation that's dampening my mood. I don't want to be sad though. That will not be me if I am. There are so many things to be thankful for.

Welcome 2006!

I just have to write something about my 4 wonderful days in Boracay before this exhilirating feeling wanes.

WOW! Does not even begin to describe it. We partied the whole time and I don't think I ever went back to my hotel room sober. I have another reason that I smile about now a days but it might just be a one night til dawn thing so it will remain to be a nice memory for now. BIG SMILE! :D

That's Sam, Upa, Jim, Greg, me and Elaine. We downed a couple of long island iced teas while watching that beautiful sunet! It was so unreal.

This is my best Boracay trip ever. Believe it or not, I was on the ledge of Summer's Place for hours just dancing without a care in the world. That was really fun!

I met a lot of new friends and a great way to start the year!

Being on the Taj Mahal

True... it probably is the grandest profession of love that I have ever encountered. Not even a night in the finest hotel compares ;).

We landed in the land of the Taj a few hours before the New Delhi bombing. I got terrified after finding out the news on the flat screen wall mounted tv in our hotel room but my friends were there so I felt safe somehow.

India's fantastic. Their culture is so rich and colorful. Made more memorable by once again being with wonderful friends Meine, Elaine and Jackie.

I have so many stories to tell but I shall post them on a later date since I am back in the grind and work is occupying my waking hours.

One Week To Go

ONE MORE WEEK!!!!

I can't wait to go on vacation with my friends. In a week's time I will be on the plane to meet my friends in Singapore and off we go to the land of the Taj Mahal.

It took us a year to plan this trip and now that its here the week-long wait seems so LLLLOOOOONNNNGGGGG!!!!

This vacation is exciting for me in so many levels. First, the four awesome girls (DJ, Lysh, Meine and Elaine) will once again be reunited and partying the night away in Singapore! :-) I cannot wait to be with my friends again.

After Singapore, we will be flying to New Delhi, India. WHOA! We will be going around Rajasthan for 10 days! I'm so EXCITED! I've been shopping and preparing for our trip and I'm so excited.

My friend Meine flew to Germany last Mondays and will head to Paris in a couple of days. We'll meet in Singapore soon but I miss her already. hahaha!

Enough... I shall work out now. Can't wait to post pictures and tell you all about my trip next time.

Learning to say goodbye

I realized something new about myself today... I don't know how to say goodbye!

It's a Saturday night and it is pretty unusual for me to be at home at this time of the night but running around The Fort the whole day wore me out. (We organized an Amazing Race event for our Singles Community and it was a lot of fun!) So, I decided to just stay home and rest. Luckily, I caught the movie, Tuesdays with Morrie. At the end of the movie, I realized why I keep on holding to the past... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY GOODBYE!

When a friend leaves for another country and I will not see her for a long time, I don't really know how to say good bye so I just think that I will see her again next week. I used to be easily attached to people, things, events... After learning how they can hurt you or leave you, I have learned how to detach myself somehow but that does not solve my problem. I detach but I don't say goodbye.

I guess that maybe one of the reasons why I still have a hard time completely letting go of past hurts and relationships. I don't know how to just say good bye and let it go.

I have loved someone so amazingly that its taking me years to get over him. The funny thing is, I don't think I have been able to say goodbye completely to that relationship. How? I'm really nto sure. I can't put it behind completely.

The question now is, how do you really say goodbye? Do you say good bye by forgetting the past? Do you say goodbye by remembering what you had and then just moving on? I think I hold on to the past too much... I'm scared that it might not happen to me again. And yet, I am scared too that it might and I might be not aware that it is happening already because I have not yet said goodbye to what has been good.

The Crazy Things I Do

Initially, I used this site to write about my sadness, longing, desires and pathetic feelings. I realized (after reading Sam's comments) that this site was open for everyone to read. Took me a few minutes to realize that I forgot to turn off the viewing permissions.

For some time now, I have been looking for a venue to keep a journal of my crazy activities and put photos. I am glad that there is finally this site. Anyhow, I'd like to share a few crazy things that I have done in the past through this blog. I will try to make it a point to write about much about myself... how I feel and not only when I feel lonely.

Ok... a few things about me. I love the beach! I can't get enough of Boracay! Ok... maybe not during holy week when the entire country goes to that island... but I try to visit my favorite island twice a year. The best part... happy hour at Nigui Nigui while watching the sunset.




I love boxing. It keeps me fit. I'm not sure yet how serious I am with sparring or going on the ring to fight someone but I plan to do this as often as I can. I love the work out and the sweat. :-)

I love exciting water sports and activities. I enjoy scuba diving mostly because of the peace and relaxed feeling when I am on the boat or sitting by the beach watching the waves and the water.

DJ, Meine and Elaine -- my wonderful friends

Friends have come and gone in my life but when you have friends as great as these three people, you know these are the friends that you will cherish and be with for a really long time!

DJ -- Diana Jean Reyes... one of a kind person. I thought I was hyper and energetic but this person's one woman show and her ability to entertain herself is unbelievable! :-) Very smart, intelligent... a great listener and someone who can give you the best insights. Even if she is in Singapore, the distance never really put a dent in our friendship. I call her when I feel sad or when I just need someone to chit chat with. We are journeying right now in finding out more about ourselves. What makes us happy, our passions and our purpose in this life. I love being with her because she puts some sense into me. We laugh about a lot of crazy things and I enjoy her passion in trying out different things.

Elaine -- Its funny how we were college classmates and yet we only started hanging out 4 years after we graduated. We met again at a point in our lives when we needed each other most. I know that she will fight for me until the end. If there's anyone who will stand up for me and will make sure that I don't get hurt, it is Elaine. She maybe a bit crazy at times but I know that she really loves me.

Meine -- the epitome of coolness. She is more than my dinner buddy she is my great listener and she doesn't let me wallow. She sees the good side of things all the time and only wants the best for her friends... Very few things bother this girl... she loves to relax and tries to live life to the fullest. This girl hates stress, thus, she is my great balancer. Her smile never fades. She reminds me all the time how beautiful and relaxing life is. We both love to travel and meeting new people, thus, we enjoy sitting in a coffee shop... chit chatting until late at night. We will never stop building memories together and enjoying each life experience as we talk about it all the time.

I love them! Elaine and DJ are both in Singapore now. Meine and myself are here in Manila. A few more weeks and we will be hanging out again... partying in Singapore. I miss them. I miss them a lot. I love them very much.

This year... INDIA!!!!

Last year... CAMBODIA and THAILAND. This year... INDIA and SINGAPORE!!!

We are truly blessed to have this chance to be able to travel around the globe with our friends. It is such an amazing experience!

After a wonderful trip to Cambodia, our group already started thinking of our next destination. We always want to try the most exotic countries and places that we won't be able to enjoy when we get older.

So, this year, we all decided to go to INDIA! Two weeks of vacation is fantastic. We're all very excited. A few more weeks and we'll be heading to Singapore and then, India!

I know its going to be crazy because of the smell and they say that its really dirty but it would be one hell of an experience just being with friends and experiencing something really awesome while learning about their culture and seeing the best places in that country.

The picture here (one of our thousands of pictures! hahaha!) was taken in Bayon Temple in Cambodia last year. This year won't be different. I'm pretty sure that we will have tons of pictures as well. More pictures of our Cambodia- Thailand trip in http://www.pbase.com/lysh/cambodia.

I can't wait!!! :-) And... Boracay in December! Whoa!

Lyshiel

Is It Really A Part of A Plan?

A friend mentioned that my single status is part of a PLAN. I'd like to believe it is... but is it really true?

Having been through a number of relationships... unsuccessful, obviously, I now question what it really takes to have and stay in a good relationship. Is it a matter of timing? Is it a matter of being the right person? Is it a matter of going to the best places to meet him? Do you really work on finding someone or does it just happen? People would say... RELAX... it will happen... Easy for them to say! They are in great relationships! hehe!

When I look around, I see a number of great looking and wonderful single people. I ask myself, if they can't find a good relationship, what are my chances of finding one?

Well, as they say, better to be patient than to be in a wrong one (relationship).... I totally agree with this. I've been in a number of wrong ones to actually belive this statement. I am tired of being in relationships that will makes me bawl over a glass of wine or make me cry myself to sleep.

The pain that those relationships inflicted on me made me a bit jaded in the way I see relationships. However, I would like to believe that I am still very much a romantic. As Carrie said in the last episode of Sex and the City (yes, I cried while I listened to hear say this!), I want an all-consuming love, a can't live without you kind of love... I think, no matter how independent and liberated one is, she desires this... She desires to be treated like a princess, to be treated with respect and to be loved like nobody has ever loved them before.

Yes, I still am a romantic... dreaming of walking in Paris with the man I love... sitting down in a cafe in Italy and just staring in each other's eyes... watching a movie, cuddling on the couch... sitting on the beach watching the sun set... reading a book on a lazy Sunday afternoon... sitting on his lap while waiting to board a plane... looking in his eyes and just loving every moment of having him in my arms... wiping his sweat with my towel after a good work out... hugging me from behind while we are hanging out with our friends...

Funny, Bel -- a friend of mine, mentioned her silly dream which is my silly dream as well. Imagining the big smile of my face when I change the status on my friendster from "Single" to "In a Relationship". Silly, yes... :-) but its a start of something beautiful. Being able to tell the whole world how much I love a person and how much he loves me as well... being with someone who will be proud of me unlike my past two relationships. (Wow! Just thinking of how they were ashamed for people to know about our relationship still stings my self-esteem!). I am praying though that the next man who will come into my life will be proud of me... because I think I am worth it.

I really hope it happens to me one day. I believe its part of the PLAN. God did not let me stay in those bad relationships because He knows that I deserve better. He made me realize my learnings from those relationships so I can look forward to a much better one. This time, I will try not to be impatient and accept the things as they happen to me. I will fall in love again, and when that happens, we will be proud about our relationship because we will find each other in the right time, in the right place... because it is part of God's plan.

Learning something new about me

I had a very interesting weekend.

Last night, I had drinks and dinner with my friend Chia. Over a bottle of beer and an X-rated drink, I found out something about myself that I have known for quite sometime. I realized that as I get older, flexibility in dealing with your own character tend to be a bit more difficult than before. Maybe because the younger years were really to form who you are and now that of your character is pretty much set, shifting or adjusting can be a bit of a challenge.

One thing I like about me is that I am very energetic. I'm excited and passionate about things and it is pretty contangious. The downside of it though is I need to find time to relax and to just let go. I do it sometimes but not all the time. I need to learn how to not sweat the small stuff. :-)

I have said time and again that I don't think I will have a boyfriend or get married ever. Deep down, I know, this isn't true. I know God has a plan for me and being single now has a reason. A pretty good one at that too... I should stop saying that I will never have a relationship again. I should just trust that what I am going through now is part of a plan. I need to believe that it is part of a bigger plan. Something good will happen to me very soon.

I realized too last night, that I have a problem with being contented. Although it is somehow good that I keep striving for more, I dont appreciate completely what I have at the present moment. One of my fears is being in a relationship and I would eventually get bored. I fear this... I've been there and I don't want to go back to that. I don't want the drama anymore as well (God knows how much I went crazy for a couple of years.) but I want the excitement in the relationship. I'm afraid that the guy that I will be with will be someone I will be with day in and day out and I might get tired of being with him all the time. Sounds pretty weird, huh?

Seriously, when I see couples who are wrapped up with each other and their relationship, I find them so boring and hopeless. I am praying that I find someone who will make me feel loved and we continue to improve each other by engaging in different activities, sports, classes, travelling together and by our life experiences that we have separately and as a couple. I don't want to get bored. I continue to be interesting to my partner and I want him to be just as interesting as he was on the first day we met.

Tonight, I had dinner at a really good chinese restaurant in Greenbelt. I meet a couple of new people and I really enjoy talking to them and hanging out with them. One is Cha and the other is Craig.

Everytime I go out, I get a clearer picture of what type of guy I want to be with. I think my standards are high but I dont want to settle. God made everything happen so I meet the right guy at the right time so I'll try not to screw it.

Lyshiel

Love thy neighbors

It seems that the older we get, the commandment, Love thy neighbor with all your heard, mind and soul gets harder and harder to practice.

One reason maybe because we are so wrapped up and busy with our own lives that we forget that the others around us matter as well. Being single and enjoying life makes me somehow forget that loving others is just as important as loving one's self.

Another reason might be because of our painful experiences. It has calloused me in a way and has jaded my idea of love and living.

I have to get past this and be the most loving person I can be.

The past is over... It cannot hurt me

There is a need to really close a chapter of your life and leave the past in the past. Never meddle with it again. Just let it sit there and be a source of strength and learning. Don't rock the boat if you are moving along well with the current tide.

I have learned that going back to the past should only be done if you are strong enough to face it and ready to leave it in the past. It just shakes me up and sets me off into a totally different direction. Its like one step forward and two steps back.

I am not saying don't look back at your past. I'm saying, learn from it but don't go back to the pains of the past and don't allow yourself to be hurt again by what has happened in the past. Heal it and face it head on. Of course, closure is very important but don't let that stop you from trying to move on and having a better future.

The past can only hurt you if you let it affect you. The past is over and cannot hurt you anymore... it will be your choice if you let it affect you still.

There is so much to look forward to... Don't let the hurts of the past dictate who you will be in the future. Life is far too precious to waste on people and events who are better forgotten in the past. Let those be good learnings and eventually, things that you can smile about.

Coping and Mind Games

I am beginning to think that everyone goes through life just coping with whatever they have. That's why one has to have a healthy childhood, that they will be armored with the essentials in facing life head on.

In life, you have to be brave to face all that is happening around you... Just cope with everything that you've got. Fight with every weapon that you've got. I used to not believe this.... I have always seen life as beautiful. I'm not sure why I allowed my eyes to be opened to the reality of pain but somehow, it did open. Now, I wish I didn't get to see the side of hurt, pain and sadness. I just wish I can see life again in those colored glasses so that I can see the beauty of life and enjoy its fullness.

My friend Meine says that everything is a mind game. Yes, I believe that. I believe that a lot of things can be controlled by your mind but there are times when your emotions over rule your thoughts and this is when you say, I need to get out to clear my mind.
But what happens when your heart knows the right thing to do and yet you are sad that you are doing it. When you are making sure that your mind works with your heart... how does that really happen?

I guess I should not fret about it anymore. I guess things will be clearer once we can talk about it. If we are meant to talk and clear things out, it will happen. If not, I think I'm ready to give up on this idea that we will get back together.

I'm afraid lang that there might be no one else that I would feel so strongly for. I guess this is where my faith steps in. Just believing that one day it will happen... that one day, it will all be ok and I will see the colored rainbow of love. HAY! kakapagod ha!!!

Missing A him....

Do I really miss him? Yeah... I guess I miss him. Though I don't want to dwell on how I feel... I know I am better off without my past relationships but it just feels comfortable and familiar. When I think of the fun times, I miss him but I can't go through the emotional roller coaster so I should just let this one go... Its been years!!! Man! I should always remember how tired I am of being hurt!

Ok... I admit! I can be a drama queen but this time, no more drama! I'll just take it like it is.

My friend Elaine said that I am masking a depression. Maybe I am, but I am doing the best I can. If my depression is about something I can control, it would have been so much easier! But my sadness (if I really am!) is about not having a love life, I really could not do anything about that, can I?

I am free now to face my bright future. Its just that the memories take the best of me sometimes. The learnings I have had these past years will take me out of the painful memories though. Being in pain for so long have made me want and hope for a better relationship. I deserve that and I know that God will let me have that!

I have been praying for peace and now, I am finally without entanglements. I can see a lot clearer than before and I am not in any dysfunctional relationships... Its just a matter of time before the PLAN is unveiled before my eyes. Do i miss him? Yes... But I do miss having a better "him" too.... Having someone who will truly love and care for me! One day, it will happen! I just know it in my heart!

I'm in the middle of reading this book called "The Curse of Singles Table". The book is very amusing and interesting. It is a true story of a jewish girl who has been without sex for 1000 ++ days and looking for love everywhere (from Kenya to Russia to www.match.com). The story is both amusing and real especially for a single woman like me. I haven't finished the book yet but it seems that the story's conclusion is her realization that she does not need a man to be happy.

Being the modern pinay that I would like to believe myself to be, I don't want to anchor my happiness to a man. I want to be free, indpendent and adventurous. But what does it mean when the single self start to realize and once again accept that love is beautiful and that relationships, as long as it is nurturing, will not suppress you of freedom and independence?

I heard on the radio this morning that the most jaded and most cynical person on relationships are the ones who were once hopeless romantics. I cannot agree more.... I think I am one of those people who have been disillusioned by love and relationships that do not work out. I have been completely inlove twice. The colors have never been more colorful. The birds humming can never be sweeter. The flowers can not be prettier. Life can never be more beautiful.

And then it happens, he goes back to his ex-fiancee or he dumps you to go off with a married woman. Self-esteem down the drain, I tried to analyze why things happened the way they did. I tried to look at myself and compare myself with these woman. Of course, there is the classic blaming myself for what happened. I realized when low self esteem hits, it does not matter what other people say, you know how to put yourself down... and in a big way. All the bad things I sawin myself was magnified because I felt that those are the reason they left me.

Then, its time to feel loved because I can't love myself. I tried to look for love everywhere too. I felt that that's the biggest way I can regain my self esteem. I tried to check out every guy I meet and see if they can be potential boyfriends. Of course, that actually cuts down the number of men you can really be friends with since they have become or have been eliminated as "boyfriend material". Believe me, I have been to parties, clubs (both for straight and gays), social functions and every kind of sports and events.... he never showed up!

When it happens once, getting over it is difficult but accepting it is part of life is easy. When it happens to twice, then, you start to believe that there is something majorly wrong with me.

I pulled myself together by making myself as busy and as interesting as I can be. My time cannot be free to think or feel. I have to make sure that I am busy all the time. I healed myself by reading books, meditating and focusing on what I have rather than what I have lost. I realized that I am a good person, I don't look bad at all and I have something very beautiful to offer other people. Self-esteem regained not by having another relationship but by learning how to love myself and take care of myself.

I made a firm stand that i will not enter into relationships that I know will be for my detriment. I will only be in loving and nurturing relationships. If that's not going to happen, I will just be sinlge all my life.

I have been praying for this and it seems that God has been telling me that I really am not meant to be single all my life. The deepest desires of my heart has said that I will find the man that God has planned for me... but I have to be patient.... OH WOW! WAITING?!?! I was never good at that. But, what can I do? hehehe!

When did I cross the great divide of wanting to be single all my life to... I will wait for the right guy to come? I'm not sure. I think it came as a result of my prayer. BELIEVING that the Lord is working on me and one day His plans will be revealed slowly and effortlessly.

Just like what the book, Curse of the Singles Table said. I don't need to go to the ends of the earth to find my man. As long as I am comfortable and contented by myself, I will be happy... with our without a man. :-)

Depression? What's next?

Depression and loneliness has struck me these past few days. It is not easy being single and having most of my friends overseas or busy with their work, I had to fend for myself.

As you know, girls love to chat and whine their blues away. I used to always be out with my friends to get away from the sadness of realizing that I dont have the last text of the day. I think anyone who has been single and longing to have a partner understands what it means to miss having the first SMS in the morning and the last good night before going to bed.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being single. In fact, I love it. I think its one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me. Not a lot of people are gifted with this chance. An opportunity to truly live a single life! Being able to have your own money, independence, friends, parties and different kinds of life adventures. The beauty of having your own time! Being able to do what you want to do without attachments. Wow! How liberating!

Well, I can say that now after some time of reflection and reading... I can say that I embody the new Filipina woman. Independent, adventurous, fashionable, strong willed and yet feminine in more ways than one. You can say that I am the liberated Filipina. I used to be very conservative until I came out of my shell with a bang! Believe me, even that was a growth experience.

Ok... ok... let's go back to my depression and how I am slowly getting out of it... I was depressed and lonely and I knew that I had to get out of it.... and fast! I hate being sad... it's not me... I like the energetic, always on the go girl that I am... I love smiling and making people smile. I like looking good and having people look at me with smile in their faces noticing that that's one happy person.

The past few days, I just wanted to cry. I felt like I was alone. I had no one to share my successes, frustrations and stories with . So, I am out on my mission again to find something that will distract me from my sadness. I looked for new things that I can get into. I dug up all the things that I know will fulfill my passion. And there I went to the dance studio to inquire about belly dancing classes, I went to Powerbooks to get books that will empower me in my current state. I had to be inspired and I had to get my passion back.

God's so good! He showed me the book on "How to be a woman of passion -- How to be the joyous woman of God". I just started the book and it's looking good. I'm also in the middle of reading the book of Iyanla Vanzant called "In the Meantime". I think its very entertaining but I have yet to get to the meat. The book of Bo Sanchez called "You can make your life Beautiful" can really lift up your spirits. I am also reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho for the nth time.

You see... when you are depressed, acknowledge it and admit that you are but don't be stuck there. Want to get out of it and get out of it! Do everything in your power to make sure that your depression becomes your tool to achieving more and doing more. Everything exists for a reason. I think depression happens because you have to find out more about you and take one step forward in everything in your life. Do things that you have always delayed doing... Take courses that interests you... Learn a new skill... Get into a new hobby.... You are single... you have all the time in the world to do all these things.

When you have learned more, experienced more and matured more, you will definitely feel more confident... with or without a man, you have already accomplished something that a lot of people only dream of doing.

Be the best single person that you can be... meet people and have fun! Channel your energy unto things that will give you more confidence and attract the kind of man that is worthy of a fun, exciting and interesting woman like you!